I will use your doubts as inspiration, your frustration to fuel my passion, and I hope one day you can see how far I've come. I hope one day you will tell me you're finally proud of me. Until then, I'll show you I can make it.

Beautiful People Make for Beautiful Friendships

A very well respected friend of mine told me that sometimes we become dreamers, in a time where dreaming becomes our escape from reality, and reality is very important sometimes.

I have been stuck to deep in my dreaming. Luckily for that I have some amazing people in my life who will listen to me when times get difficult, and confusing. I have people who take me as I am, and help me live in the beautiful reality before me. The beautiful opportunities and life I have awaiting me right now and all i have to do is awaken to that fact.

I was reminded of a few quotes when I thought of how my friends have helped me in many ways, but mostly helping me to realize more of who I am and to learn from the people that surround me. So to all of my friends...this is a shout out to you guys...love you all! Thanks for everything!

"Let your dreams be bigger than your fears, your actions louder than your words and you faith stronger than your feelings."

"I'd rather live a life of 'oh wells' than a life of 'what ifs'..."

"Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. just 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery"

Hearing a simple I miss you are the only words one needs sometimes.

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

"A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity."

Lately I feel like all people have been wanting from me has been answers. Answers about who I am now, what I've learned, dislikes, likes how those have changed, and beliefs. So sorry to be selfish with this post but it's going to be all about me. You all have been forewarned.

What I've learned:
1.The world is not as it appears to be, but it never really has been has it?
2. I walk funny, causing my knees to curve in to each other as I walk and my right shoe always gets destroyed.
3. People think I have a lisp...I am not one of those people.
4. People are unique, to their background, their history, their stories, size, shape, and color, and I relish those differences. The uniqueness of each person is beautiful and I love people.
5.I love smiling and I realized how many people have pegged that as my trademark. No I am not always happy,but I smile not just when I am happy, I smile to help me get through the hard things in life as well.
6. I've learned to be assertive; To stand up for myself when necessary.
7. Loads about South African history and politics but still not enough.
8. People have quite a few classifications for other people.
9. I've learned to never let a person think they are less than me.
10. As much as I have learned I still feel like the world continues to school me.
11. I love learning. Especially through people's life stories. I love people.
12. I've learned that even if you avoid it as much as possible, because I was raised in America I was raised on consumerism and therefore selfishness. Even when I thought I was being selfless I was shown I still had very much to learn. And I learned it from the most selfless people I have ever met.
13. I've learned that the grey areas in life are ok to be enjoyed. It is ok not to have a strong opinion on something one way or the other. During my time in Cape Town I was always expected to have a strong opinion on what is right and what is wrong but I have grown to accept and love my ability to see the grey area. Being able to see both the good and bad in a scenario or topic.
14. I've learned that so many people picture Jesus as a white blue eye'd man, why is that? I've learned why so many people turn from faith and how it is so easy to get caught up in the idea that people of strong faith have everything together. The truth is that putting anyone on a pedestal will only lead to disappointment and possibly a dislike for a certain religion.
15. I've learned I love to answer someones questions when I am very sure of the answer.
16. I love engaging in conversation about something completely foreign to me, engaging doesn't always have to mean using your voice, it can also mean actively listening.
17. I absolutely love languages and realize the importance of languages when building relationships.
18.I've learned that I am a perfectionist and as much as I would love to change that it is a part of me and I should start to embrace it, but its about time I stop becoming disappointed with my self and start loving my mistakes, flaws, and imperfections.
19. Deep fried Indian Food makes me feel sick...but I still eat it because it's so spicy it clears my sinuses.
20. I love handshakes.
21. I get extremely attached to people and places to the point of a mini depression when leaving said place or people.
22. When I came back I really hated America, I was constantly wanting to be somewhere else, anywhere else, but I've grown to love the opportunities I have been given just for living in this country. It truly is a blessing regardless of some of my strong opinions I hold against certain American characteristics.
23. Live music re-energizes my soul.
24. A friendly attitude can occasionally lead someone on, kindness can actually be cruel.
25. Drop box is one of the greatest inventions.
26. I've learned how sad it is that there is a perpetuating system of poverty, beggars have children, teaching their children to beg. What's the solution and when does it end?
27. I learned how miraculous a daily event such as the sunset or the stars coming out is.
28. I learned that commonalities can be found cross cultural and that is a beautiful realization.
29. I've learned that sometimes the hardest goodbyes don't end in tears at all, they end in a numbness that is difficult to explain.
30.I have learned that it's ok to completely let loose, no matter who is looking, if you are loving that moment, you do you!
31. Love is still the greatest lesson to be learned in life. I fall in love easily, but learning to love, is simply a different story.
32. I don't have answers, just thoughts, realizations, and wonderings.

I am sure there will be a round two of more realizations but until then this is what I've got.

Adjustments, Transitions, and Changes

Today marks the third day I have been back at school. It has definitely been an up and down roller coaster ride of emotions. It feels like I never left this place of Hope, as everyone seems to be the same, and nothing too much about Hope has seemed to changer either. This transition has been difficult because I realize how much I have changed. I am constantly reminding myself to not look to the past so often or live in the future too much, it is time now that I start embracing the present yet again. Yes, I will still be counting down the days until summer when I can make it back to the oh so wonderful Cape Town, and possibly Thailand but until then, I will be trying to embrace everything that I have right here at this moment. I realize how many people would be so grateful to be in my position and I refuse to waste my time here. No, I still do not know which direction my life is heading, what I will be majoring in or even where I will be next semester, but as frustrating, stressful,and scary as that can be, I've realized I need to let go. I need to let go of what I am being told to do, I need to let go of what I think I should do, and wait until God points me in the direction of what I was made for. Until then I will be patiently waiting...ok..so not always so patient, but hey I'm trying :)

Whoever is reading this, I just want to say, one you are awesome, even if I have never met you, and two....Carpe Diem!

“It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed is you.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

We all just want to be loved right? We all want to meet people who don't make us so blatantly aware of our flaws but who encourage our good qualities enough that those flaws we hold vanish. It is not to say that one's flaws should be ignored, but sometimes we hold onto our own flaws more than others, all it takes is a bit of encouragement for a person to realize their own worth and for those flaws to be molded into features that one desires.

Send Me On My Way

Looking to the future can be problematic in one way. It can cause panic to rise. Yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown that I am not too proud of but a few key realizations were made during my hours of stress and panic. One, I realized that no one's future is set in stone, as much as someone can have a plan and may want it to be, there isn't really a sure thing in this life. For me presently that is a great thing. After, I realized that there are still so many opportunities that are opening up for me, and no matter what direction I may choose in this life I always have the power to change that direction, with God's hands gently guiding me along. I can do a gap semester in Thailand, or search for an internship for a summer in Cape Town. I just need to, as the saying goes 'Keep calm and carry on' taking things step by step and following the signs that life has already laid out for me about the paths I should be choosing.

Tonight nostalgia plagues my mind. I truly admire those who really can always live honestly in the present, not looking to their past or to their future. For me looking to the past brings me wisdom and looking towards the future brings me hope. Although tonight, my nostalgia has brought me to dwell on things that cannot be changed, things that cannot be brought back. Tonight Geof, I am missing you. I cannot believe it has been three months since you left this world, and journeyed into another. I cannot exactly put my finger on why I am feeling down tonight, but it may be because I was meant to think of you. You always knew what to say whenever I was upset, and it's funny because I think you still do. I can picture you slapping on that huge smile, grabbing my hand and telling me it's going to be alright. Then you would grab my hand and tell me a joke, or give me compliments. Even though I've heard them a million times from you they still make me feel better. May 24, God must have decided he wanted his very own smile maker, that was you. I miss you every day, thanks for the laughs tonight Geof.

Worry= Love

Worrying is brought on for different reasons. Some worry about their careers, and their future success. Others worry about people. Most seem to worry about a combination of both people and what the future holds. I think worrying is brought on by stress which is brought on by care, stemming from love. Perhaps the love for a person, or a love for money, a love for one's passion, or a love for being on time. Many people say you shouldn't worry too much because it's not good for your health and you'll get wrinkles ;)Although sometimes worrying is necessary, and as annoying as it may be to occasionally be on the receiving end of that worry, it's someone's way of saying they love you.

This week I did quite a bit of worrying and I also received a bit of worry from others. Can you feel the love? I mean it really is all around.

Fate

As a child I never would have thought I would end up where I was at that precise moment. I could never have imagined I would have to make this journey to California, to leave behind my best friend, and the other half of me, my sister. That sunny day was where fate or God or both, had brought the two of us. To the Orange County airport, hugging to try to ease the sadness, hugging to give hope, and then like a flash I was alone again.

I once read about a story of a man who had tried to get rid of a pair of slippers that seemed to be bad luck. Every time he would try to rid himself of the slippers something bad would happen to someone else, and they always ended up back in his possession. I think sometimes we have to hold onto our slippers because those slippers resemble fate. As much as we try to change where we will end up it will happen anyways, and in the end we will be just where we are meant to be. We might as well embrace the unknown. That gives way to the thrill of the adventure of life. Some moments may be harder then others, some more sad, but those moments after the difficulties have subsided, and after the sadness has seeped back into our hearts to stream out at a later time, there are moments of recognition, of pure joy, and of peace. I never thought I would be journeying to Disneyland alone or that chance would bring me to encounter my best friend from high school halfway across the country in California, and yet it did. These things happen for a reason. Every moment, every feeling, every encounter, action, interaction, experience, every second I believe is happening for a reason.

I was given the solitude I have been needing since my arrival back to Cape Town. it was found walking the city streets of Costa Mesa, waiting in 45 minute lines alone in Disneyland, and people watching for hours on the beach. I learned about myself with every moment of solitude I was given, and I also learned about people. I learned that the number one goal for most people is to achieve happiness, in any way shape or form that they know how.

I used to think people watching was best at airports; seeing people from all over the world go from one place to the next. And then I came to the realization that people in airports are usually stressed rushing from one place to the next not having the time to enjoy life as it's given to them. I now think one of the best places for people watching is Disneyland. People have come from all over the world to ride the rides, see the sights, and get lost in the fairytale. While waiting in line I overheard a group of Australians wondering why Americans still have one cent coins. I encountered a couple from Germany talking about how their vacation has been amazing. I also encountered a few people from mexico taking part in the Finding Nemo Submarine adventure. I smiled a lot in DisneyLand and I was surprised at how natural that smile came to me, how i recognized the feeling of pure joy, because I was seeing it in others. I even laughed to myself a few times when watching people who were behaving downright outrageously. Why are people so afraid of spending time alone? I've come up with many explanations for it, but all of them have felt like excuses. All I know is I was meant to come to California, and aside from a few tears, I truly enjoyed the time I had to celebrate the meaning of life.